its been a hard week Sibel with roadkill and then the world rememberance service on Sunday.
Monday hit me hard and I was in tears that morning and the sadness has not stopped at all this week.
I miss you so much. I have blocked you out so much to be able to cope that sometimes I feel I have forgotten you....then times that I allow myself to think deeply of you like Roadkill day then after away from everybody I am in so much pain inside.
I wish I could take your place my princess....I am very upset as I write here. I want to go outside and scream and shout the world down for taking you away from me. I am so frustrated that I cant change anything about whats happened.
I think of all my friends who have lost their precious children and my heart breaks for us all.
Walk with me Sibel cos right now I need to feel you with me xxxx
canim benim...bebegim....seni oyle seviyorum ki....bir gun gecmedi sen her zaman dusuncelerimin icindesin.
Canimin icisin. Bazan aglamak bile zor geliyor..... insanin kalbi oyle bir kirik oldugunda bin parca oldum..... inanmak gelmez bana ki gittin ve geriye gelmeyeceksin.
Dualarimdan baska cicekden baska bir sey veremem sana simdi. Sevgim her zaman seninle. Kalbimde her zaman sen varsin.
Kardeslerine bakip icin icin aglarim. Senin o guzel hayattin bir dakkikada gitti....Allah bize sabir versin canim kizim....bir gun elbet yine beraber olacagiz.
Sen her zaman olene kadar benim tek buyuk sevgim ve acim olacaksin. Bir yanda guzel yuzune baktigimda - icim gururla dolar sen benimsin diye.....sonra aklima gelir ki gittin burda degilsin artik....ve yaslar durmaz.....
There is a pain in me so much when I think of you.....I have allowed myself to be busy to keep moving and thinking forwards to feel blessed with Jayda in our lives and in doing so have allowed the ensuing grief of your loss to be immersed in the busyness of life giving me less chance to reflect analyse and dwell on.
However yesterday I saw how much I have successfully managed to lock away. It hit me. The hugeness once again hit me...no matter what there are things in life that will never be or feel the same holidays will never feel like family holidays ever again....the age gap between Melis and Jayda will always be a huge factor I will never see my girls playing together as you and Melis did....there will be a day when Jayda is still a child but Melis will be an adult and therefore Jayda will spend part of her childhood alone.
I never wanted a big age gap with my children there was 2 years between you and Melis and as you both got bigger there was so much you did together you were so very close....and any days out or holidays was so easy as you loved doing things together....I got so much joy from seeing you both on the funfair rides the park your bikes the beach the swimming pools etc....life felt happy and easy.
Yes life with Jayda is a happy one and I am so grateful to be blessed with her yet I grieve for her as she wont experience that same thing no matter how hard we try. I miss feeling complete. I miss you being here.
I saw your best Friend Antonia she is so big now...ten next year! Wow...and it hit me that you will always ever be four years old....that next year is our sixth one without you....six birthdays you have had taken away from u...would you be tall and beautiful like I imagined you ? Would you still be quite shy? reserved? Would you still be so very close to your family as you were...you loved us all so much and yet we couldnt save you.....I would exchnage my life for yours Sibel anyday to have you back here.
I wish I could have woken up this morning and realised that the last 5 years were a nightmare that has ended...that you were back here with your family....
I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH. Never ever think that I dont or that I dont love you. You are imbedded in my heart and soul just sometimes so deep that it takes time to come out.....when it does like these last few days it hurts so much I cant bear it.
I love you Sibel. You are my Princess always.
SEN BENIM HER ZAMAN BASIMIN TACI OLDUN VE HER ZAMANDA OYLE KALACAKSIN CANIM KIZIM.
KALBIMDEN SEVGIN GOZUMDEN DEGERIN HIC EKSIK OLMAYACAK. SIMDI BEN SENI HEP BEKLIYECEGIM BIR GUN GELIP YINE BERABER OLACAGIZ.
BENI UNUTMA BEN HER ZAMAN BIRAKTIGIN YERDE OLACAGIM. SENI HER ZAMAN SEVEN VE OZLEYEN ANNEN XXXXXXX
You have been in my thoughts so much lately and I am coming to visit your garden later today. Its been a long time. Sorry. But you know that coming there upsets me and I find that hard to deal with.
I never ever stop missing you from my life and your loss is felt everytime we ever do anything.
It was Aunty Traceys wedding yesterday. A fantatsic wedding and was such fun. The speeches made alot of people cry! You have such a lovely family on Daddy's side Sibel Aunts and cousins that love and remember you. Aunty Tracey always comes to see you on your angel day and lights candles here....she looked so stunning and happy.
Weddings always make you come to mind....one day years and years from now I would have seen you get married. Knowing how much has been stolen from you breaks my heart Sibel. I will never see you in a wedding dress or bridesmaid at Melis' wedding. I know that Daddy feels the same. It feels so unfair and unjust that we have lost you.
How can I convey into words just how broken hurt and devastated I feel at this lost future of my precious and beautiful Daughter. I cant. I am carrying an enermous pain in me that is borne out of my love I have for you as a Mother. I gave you life and saw that life end a day that has changed me forever. There is so much I will never see with you. Melis will never get to have her sister sharing her special day with her her special moments in life will always have a gap there.
I never stop thinking of you. Never stop loving you. Never stop missing you. I wish I could do anything to bring you back if I could exchnage my life for yours Sib I would die right now to bring you back. 5 years seems like a lifetime and there is so many more years to get through. A lifetime of grief. A life sentence we serve. A painful reminder of all that has been taken away. Right now I am missing you so very much. I just want to see you running walking playing laughing your beautiful laugh smiling at me shyly looking at me with your intensive beautiful eyes. Just holding your little hand in mine and hugging you. Words fail me Princess just how much I need you back with me. xxxxxxx
im missing you sooooooo much today. i wish words could explain how im feeling. You were the best sister ever and no-one could ever think or imagine how good of a sister you were. I heard you were being looked after by our other two special angels up there. Tell them i sad a thankyou and that i am hoping to make a joint site for them just like this one.
I have to go sib, im late for school!! missing u from the bottom of ma heart!!!!!!! wish you would come see my performance.
Just wanted you to know that I miss you always, love you forever and will never stop thinking about u.
It always hurts. It always brings a tear to my soul and heart and the pain will always be inside me.
I grieve privately my darling, for u, for me as in losing you I have lost myself and in losing myself I have been trying to find me again.
Who am I now, who was I back then I dont know. All I know is that I am a very confused person right now, and yet I know that its all connected to what happened that day.
I love and miss you so much that it never fails to hurt me. I am sorry for not coming to see you more often, but I know that I carry you with me my darling. I know that you know how much I love you, how much I miss your smile, your laughter and your hand in mine.
Jayda is 2 soon, she recognises your photo and calls you Aba too. She kisses me most mornings and in doing so she reminds me of u. You loved me so much and I loved that about you. All my children are precious to me and I miss seeing all my three girls together so much.
Until we can be together again my princess carry on walking with us in this lifetime.
Just wanted you to know that I miss you always, love you forever and will never stop thinking about u.
It always hurts. It always brings a tear to my soul and heart and the pain will always be inside me.
I grieve privately my darling, for u, for me as in losing you I have lost myself and in losing myself I have been trying to find me again.
Who am I now, who was I back then I dont know. All I know is that I am a very confused person right now, and yet I know that its all connected to what happened that day.
I love and miss you so much that it never fails to hurt me. I am sorry for not coming to see you more often, but I know that I carry you with me my darling. I know that you know how much I love you, how much I miss your smile, your laughter and your hand in mine.
Jayda is 2 soon, she recognises your photo and calls you Aba too. She kisses me most mornings and in doing so she reminds me of u. You loved me so much and I loved that about you. All my children are precious to me and I miss seeing all my three girls together so much.
Until we can be together again my princess carry on walking with us in this lifetime.
Today was your 9th birthday..until midnight last night I tried not to dwell on it although it was there. It was your 5th bday without you here now, and I wish I could say it was not upsetting, but I would be lying.
The day was as peaceful and gentle as you were here. We got to the cemetry with Daddy, Melis & Jayda in the afternoon having had a quiet morning in. We spent several hours there, arranging flowers and Melis putting gold glitter on your "garden" which looked lovely! Jayda spent ages trying to yank your flowers away which she did as we chased her to get them back....the little monkey, but we were a normal family imagining you there with us, laughing away as you did.
I talked to you, we prayed together and me and Melis shared a tear or two, each of us lost in our painful memories of what we have lost in losing you. I so wish I could go back and change things....I wish we had never left the house now....I wish Anjum Khan had killed himself before he even had a chnace to kill anyone else. How I hate him.....
But I spent the day not thinking horrible thoughts....we spent time in the garden, chilling out, then we lit your cake candle with your pic nearby and you were smiling up at us as we sang happy birthday. The pain of not seeing your little face in person smiling and blowing your candle out will stay with me forever.
Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts princess....your loss is everywhere we go and all that we do....no one can ever take our pain away or equally our love for you.
Many people have suprised me today and I am sure they know who they are, the very same people who claim to grieve for you. The people that matter the most are those that you cherished in this lifetime, your Mummy, Daddy and Melis Aba. As far as I am concerned that is what is important. Always love and miss u my darling and your loss will be one that will always hurt me.
This morning all I could think about was going through that long and painful birth and to have you, this beautiful little girl placed in my arms, so fair and amazing....to feel that happiness is a gift and I imagined a lifetime of fun with you, and to have had you for only 4 years seems so unjust and cruel.....
The love of a sister / Melis Aba (sister) The Love Of A Sister
If love could change the way things are you would live forever and go so far You'd know that I am always there That I'll always love you, I'll always care
But love can't change the way things are Or stop your pain or mend your scars I hope that love can let you know Not to give up or ever let go
Even when you're not in sight You're in my thoughts day and night Love is what will keep you there And make me thankful for all we share Close
Its Melis' birthday tomorrow, a day that I want to see you be a part of. You loved the excitement of birthdays but always used to be jealous of whatever Melis got!
Its your birthday next month. You would be 9 now. 9!!!!! I cant even comprehend what I am writing, as you will forever be 4 years old in my mind....I have missed out on seeing you grow up, its a pain I live with everyday for the last 4 and a half years....and whilst I have learnt to block so much out to cope with it all, the pain I often feel inside is unbearable.....we have chnaged so much as people, its like no matter what we do we feel empty inside....
I miss you so much, I miss hearing you talk to me, laughing with us...so much we will never see again in this lifetime...its such a sad empty space without you here.
I will NEVER get used to you not being here with me .....
WILL NEVER STOP SPEAKING UP FOR YOU SIBS XXX / MUMMY Read >>
WILL NEVER STOP SPEAKING UP FOR YOU SIBS XXX / MUMMY
Dear Mrs Royer,
Thank you for your e mail and I am sorry to hear of your daughter. Please be assured that we will continue to do all we can to make our roads safer. There are many good people working on campaigns like this and other work and we know we are making a difference but there is still lots more to do,
Best Wishes,
Jim
________________________________________ From: Funda Cebeci Sent: 05 February 2009 23:16 To: FITZPATRICK, Jim (MP) Subject: kill your speed or live with it advert
Dear Mr Fitzpatrick
I felt compelled to write to you, and as I am writing this I am crying. Tonight I saw the advert above and as a bereaved mother whose daughter was killed in July 2004 aged only 4 as a result of a speeding driver , I felt that had her killer seen this then he would be forced to remember the precious child whose life he cut short.
Please keep up this hard hitting campaigns to end this genocide on our roads.
We enter another year without you...another year that we will carry this missing, this longing, this pain.
I am quite sad tonight. I spent this evening in your room, sorting your things out, reading the news articles that had been written.
The letter sent out to the whole school informing them of your passing.
It bought me back to that year. How much I miss you my darling daughter.
I look at Jayda and love her so much (as I do Melis and you) and we spent hours tonight playing, cuddling and wish you was here to do the same.
It never gets easier. I just get better at acting. Acting all is ok, pretending that 2004 never happened.
When the act stops, the cameras stop rolling and the bustle of life eases the pain kicks in and nothing makes it go.
I find it hard to believe that I have been sad and broken for such a long time. I have more grey hairs emerging and Its hard to get happy about anythng. What a horrible life we have, a life of pretense and attempt to get on with it.
I love you SOOOOOOOOO much Sibs, wish I could take your place. I need you here with me x
Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts. Today, the pain I feel inside feels unbearable...where are you my princess....I wish I could have the power to make that day never happen.
I am missing you so much, thinking of you and what we have all lost as a family...more so than anyone could ever imagine. Time is no healer, they lied, time makes this pain more deeper, the only healing will be when we are together again.
thinking of you yesterday remember when we used to listen to those story tapes and then that peaceful melody would come on? I can remember everynight when i had no sleep because you would kick me and i had to tell dad and u would act all goody goody two shoes. I bet u met Ella before. Jayda seems to reconise ur face and pictures and waves hello to you. Love you loads wish u were here with me. bye. mwa
Tributes and Condolences
Love you loads wish u were here with me. bye. mwa
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